The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
