i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
