There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
