She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
