you would pick up someone in the library
stop calling my apartment porn island.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
