When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
