as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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