bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
