It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
this hospital has no fireball
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
My dad just said "fuck circus"
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
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