weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
