if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
