i already hear my dad disowning me
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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