so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Randomize
