do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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