I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Randomize
