I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Randomize
