a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
