Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Randomize
