Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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