I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
