Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
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