I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
