We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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