my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
