...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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