we have officially lost it.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
