his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
