I met the friendliest cop last night
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
