ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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