Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
