I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
She even gives head with a lisp.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
