I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
