the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize
