I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
