You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
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