i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize