They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Did I show you my penis last night?
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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