did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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