textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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