Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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