They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
