I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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