So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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