do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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