what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
