How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
