Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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