I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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