The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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