Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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