On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
