He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Randomize
