You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
