She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
my poor anus
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
