I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I just forgot I was standing up.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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