oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
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